The Kender Spork of Turning
by SparrowWriter64
Summary: Tas and Fizban get the ingenious idea to create a Kender Spork of Turning. What happens when Raistlin comes back and gets slightly cheesed off at them? A race to take over the world ensues. And all Dalamar can do is sit back and sigh.
1. Dalamar could possibly get sick

Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own this stuff. I just think it's really cool.

Additional Notes: I have no idea when this would take place. For you see, I started writing this when I was all high on caffeine and stuff. That's why Tas mentions some stuff that is not on Krynn. But, hey, this is meant to be humorous, so there's bound to be some wacky stuff in here. If you don't like that, that's fine. I understand. Everyone's got their own opinion.

The Kender Spork of Turning

Chapter One

"….What are you doing, kender?"

"Why, Dalamar, you shouldn't be up at this hour of night!" Tas exclaimed. He turned from the elf's tableware cabinet to face the elf himself. "You will be very tired tomorrow and you could very possibly get sick. I wouldn't be at this hour myself except that I have urgent business to attend to, so if you'll excuse me. Maybe go back to bed so you'll be rested-"

Dalamar lifted one slim, dark eyebrow. "You have urgent business? In my Tower? With my silverware?"

"Well, you could say that. You see, I was examining my Kender Spoon of Turning and I noticed this little insignia thingy on the end of it, see?" Tas held out the spoon so Dalamar could see the insignia thingy too…well, he'd have to bend down of course, and maybe squint to peer closely at it like Tas had, but the opportunity was there for Dalamar to see the insignia thingy. Dalamar just didn't take the opportunity to examine the insignia thingy like Tas had.

"Kender…that is my seal. It's on everything that I own."

"I know! Because I was looking at this insignia thingy and I was thinking, 'Tasslehoff Burrfoot, you have seen this insignia thingy somewhere before!' And then it came to me—I had seen this insignia thingy before! It's on everything you own! And everything you own is in the Tower. But some stuff in the tower's Raistlin's, not yours. Raistlin has really neat stuff. I went through his pouches once and I found a package of bologna. I wanted to taste it, but then Raistlin found me and he threatened to tie me by my ears to a tree. We were in the forests around Qualinost, you know. And I said 'Gee, Raistlin, I bet that wouldn't feel too good on my ears!' And he said…"

_Gods, this could go on forever, _Dalamar thought as he rolled his eyes. _This kender tries my patience, he really does. I just want to know why he's going through my damned silverware!_

"…So I said, 'Raistlin, don't do that, its hurting my nose.' But I don't think he heard because he kept on stuffing the rabbit fur up my nostril. Dalamar, has anyone ever shoved rabbit fur up your nose? No? Well, if someone did I don't think you would forget. It's soft when you touch it, but it just tickles when it's in your nose. Since it tickles, you wanna sneeze, right? But you can't, cause the fur's blocking your nostril. Right, so I'm just hanging from the tree with some rabbit fluff hanging out of my nose and Raistlin's saying…"

_How did he even get in here? The guardians don't sleep, so it's not like he could have snuck in. However, how he got in is not important. He needs to leave. He _really _needs to leave. Especially before he gets any farther with this story of his._

"…So I said, 'Raistlin, have you ever the story of the time I got my sock stuck on a tree root right in front of a herd of rampaging wildebeest?' Come to think of it, have you ever heard the story of the time I got my sock stuck on a tree root right in front of a herd of rampaging wildebeest, Dalamar? No? I didn't think I had told it to you. Well, I'll tell you about it, otherwise you might not get the rest of the story! You see, I was wandering the plains of Solamnia and I found this tree. I was a bit winded so I thought I would sit under it. Then I heard this rumbling noise and it turned out to be--"

Dalamar saw an opportunity to jump in as the kender drew a breath. The elf never knew the little creatures could talk for so long without pausing even for air. It would be quite remarkable if it weren't so annoying. Damn it, why was he getting so distracted now? He had say something and break the kender's train of thought, and he had to do it now.

"Kender! As entertaining as your stupid story about a sock and some wild beasts must be, I—"

"Wildebeest."

"…Excuse me?"

"It's _wildebeest_, not _wild beasts_. Gosh, you think that you of all people would know that, Dalamar."

"Yes, one would think that I would," Dalamar replied dryly. His fingers twitched. Forget magic…just his fingers wrapping around the kender's thin, little pencil-neck would be more than enough to satisfy the elf. "Anyway, as amusing as your story is bound to be, I feel the need to interrupt you. As you so kindly pointed out, it is the middle of the night and I should not be up and about—"

"Exactly, because you would be—"

"Yes, yes, I could be incredibly tired tomorrow or possibly get sick. So I feel that I must inquire what you are doing with my silverware. And I need a _short, to-the-point_ answer. For, as you said, I need to get back to bed."

_Please, Nuitari, just let him answer in a couple words so I can kick his rear end out in the Grove faster…the fiends do what they will to him…_

"Well, I was looking at my Kender Spoon of Turning and I saw this little—"

Dalamar groaned.

End of Chapter One

I love Tas. Sorry, had to say that there! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Feel free to review. This is an experiment more than anything. So let me know if I should continue this or just throw in the towel because it has no potential. Enjoy your day! I'm off to watch my nephew! (He's the cutest little guy in the world, so I don't mind babysitting him.)


	2. Everyone wants a Caramon coat

Disclaimer: I don't own DragonLance or Dalamar or Tas. I wish I was a kender though. How cool would that be?

Additional Notes: Dalamar's wake-up comment background info! My brother was mumbling in his sleep, so my sister-in-law went to wake him up. She shook him and he shot straight up and blurted out the same line as Dalamar (he had been dreaming about something at his job). So thanks, bro, you finally came in handy for something.

The Kender Spork of Turning

Chapter Two

"And that's how they made me their chief! Isn't it amazing, Dalamar? ….Dalamar?"

Tas, caught up in the excitement of his narrative, had not noticed that his entertainee had fallen asleep. Dalamar was slumped over on his desk, forehead flat against the wood and arms outstretched in front of him. _Bet that can't feel too good on his nose, _Tas thought.

Hesitantly, the kender poked the elf's head. Nothing happened. Tas' face fell. He had been hoping for some kind of curse to fall on him for his wake-up attempt. It was the least Dalamar could do for Tas' effort. Alas, it was a no go.

Switching gears, Tas tried something that always woke up Caramon, no fail.

"DINNER BELL!"

Dalamar shot straight up. "That's not how it's done, bitch!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Excuse me."

"Alright, I excuse you, Dalamar. But you really shouldn't use such language, especially in such a casual manner. Once, Caramon said 'damn it' in front of a little girl when he banged his thumb with a hammer and the little girl went around saying it all day. More little kids picked it up from her and started saying it all day. Tanis had to practically beat the parents away from the Inn of the Last Home. Apparently, they wanted Caramon's hide. I don't know why they would want his hide. I mean, they might be able to make a pretty big coat from it, but I don't know how warm it would be, much less if it would be waterproof—"

Dalamar slammed his head down on his desk.

"You know, you shouldn't do that. I bet you're killing some brain cells doing that and how good is a genius dark mage with half his brain cells killed off?"

"Kender!" Dalamar shouted, surprising Tas into silence. "I have waited four hours for you to tell me why you're here and why you're going through my tableware."

"Oh, that's easy," Tas replied with a grin. "I figured you already knew the answer, being a genius dark mage and all. I mean, you—"

"WHY ARE YOU HERE!"

"I'm looking for the Kender Fork of Turning!" Tas frowned. "You didn't have to scream. That won't make me find it any faster."

Just like in the first chapter, Dalamar raised an eyebrow. "It takes you this long to find a fork with my insignia in my cabinet?"

Tas sighed at Dalamar's ignorance. Dark mages these days…no respect for magical kender artifacts. "I can't use just any fork! For example, this spoon is not just any spoon—"

"I beg to differ."

"It's not very befitting of you to beg, Dalamar. Anyway, I need a fork that has the correct magical properties as well."

Thrusting his hand into the fork drawer so violently that the entire cabinet shook, Dalamar went to throw a fork, any fork, in Tas' face. Or at least, he intended too. Too late, he realized why his mother had always told him not to thrust his hand violently into a fork drawer. Biting back a yelp, the elf pulled out his hand, his scratched and bleeding hand. His fingers were wrapped around a fork, prongs still digging into his palm.

"Yes, that is the Kender Fork of Turning, I can feel it!" Tas jumped up in glee and tore the fork out of Dalamar's hand. Literally. "Look, it has the little insignia thingy on it and everything! Figures you would find it, being a mage and all!"

Dalamar stared at his hand. Four trickles of blood dripped down his palm, just like on his chest. Something snapped. He raised his narrowed eyes to the kender, who was currently throwing a one-person party in celebration of the fork. Dalamar seized Tas by the collar and bodily threw him out the window.

"GET OUT AND STAY OUT!"

End of Chapter Two

Bad Dalamar! Well, Chapter Three has already been started since World History is boring. Why wasn't I studying since the final is tomorrow? Because this is more fun and I love Tas. Feel free to review! All the cool people do!


	3. Do you have the stuff?

Disclaimer: Just like in the last two chapters, I don't own this stuff. I'm not sure who does, but kudos to them. Lucky jerks.

Additional Notes: Dalamar's not really a main character, you insane Locke-lover (you know who you are). But I'll probably throw him in randomly. I like to do stuff like that. Hence, why my life is the way it is. Because I do random stuff, have random thoughts. Yeah. Oh, and for the reviewer who asked where the Spork is. That will come about in the…next chapter? Yes, I'm pretty sure the next chapter. For you see, I don't ever plan these humor stories out. It's whatever comes to mind, you know. Winging it, by the seat of my pants…all those nifty phrases.

The Kender Spork of Turning

Chapter Three

"Good thing we were only on the third floor and there were some branches to break my fall," Tas said to himself. He got up off the soft, muddy ground and attempted to brush himself off. A bit bruised, but no worse for wear. After knocking most of the mud clumps and pine needles off, Tas took off into the Grove.

That weird, creeping feeling Tas always got near the Grove took hold of his stomach. But he fought it down and continued on. After all, he had the Kender Spoon AND Fork of Turning. What had he to fear?

"BOO!"

A fiend's hand burst the soil and grabbed Tas' ankle. The kender started before he realized just how cool being grabbed around the ankle by a subterranean fiend was. Though he didn't appreciate how the fiend was wrinkling (and not mention re-dirtying) his new stockings.

"I have you," the eerie voice echoed from under the ground. "You can not escape from us…no one leaves the Grove…"

Gripping his new-found, all-powerful fork tightly, Tas drove the eating utensil into the fiend's hand. Prong pierced flesh and blood flowed as the fiend wailed, "You jerk! Owwww…..www….ww….w…"

The echo faded as the fiend drew his hand back into the soil. Tas stood triumphant, his fearsome fork held out in front of him. The kender fancied that he must look quite the hero with Dalamar-and-fiend-blood-covered weapon. No creature could withstand the Kender Fork of Turning!

In fact, no other fiends bothered Tasslehoff as he marched straight through the Grove.

It was dark in Palanthas. Only a few, shady characters were up and about at this hour. Or so Tas liked to imagine. In actuality, it was just beginning to lighten up. It was, after all, four in the morning. Strolling through the deserted square, Tas glanced over at the closed-up market carts. What might be inside? Freshly baked bread buns? Or perhaps bottles of magic dust? But alas, Tas was a warrior hero now. He had to stay focused on his mission.

Reaching the other side of the square, Tas halted underneath a glowing lamppost. He was not alone—his confederate in heroism and other-activities-that-may-be-frowned-upon-by-authority-figures was also under the lamppost. They stood in silence, both leaning against the post, when Tas' partner spoke.

"Have you seen my hat?"

"…It's on your head."

"Correct! You are indeed who I think you are!"

"Shouldn't we do the secret handshake?"

"…I don't remember how that goes. Fireball?"

"Um, no."

Tas and Fizban stood in silent once more. Both tried to adopt the look of hard-core mercenaries, those who were often out at the godforsaken hours of night and morning, causing all sorts of mischief. Unforunately, a senile wizard-god and a kender were ill-suited for the look. But they tried.

Fizban glanced down at Tas and then away, pretending to ignore his little friend. But then he spoke quietly out of the corner of his mouth. "Have you got the…_stuff?_"

"Um…yeah!" Tas fished through his pouches and then pulled out a small, light-weight jug. "I stopped by the store and got your prune juice on the way to Dalamar's."

Fizban jumped up and clicked his heels in happiness. "Prune juice! Yay! Oh, um…did you get that other thing?"

"What other thing?"

"The thing from Dalamar? The…knife?"

"I have a knife. Caramon calls it 'Rabbitslayer' because he said that's all I'll ever be able to kill with it. But one time—"

"That's nothing. I had a fireball once. Spoon?"

"I have a spoon! Not just any spoon, but the Kender Spoon of Turning!"

"How that come in handy? Turn your cornflakes over?"

"It's not for cornflakes, it's for ghouls."

"Why are we talking about your breakfast? I want to know if you got that Fork from Dalamar."

"I did get the fork from Dalamar. He helped me find it—"

"Why did you do that? You already have a fork. That Kender Whatsit."

"No, but now I do. I had the Kender _Spoon_ of Turning and now I have the Kender _Fork _Turning because I just got it from Dalamar!"

"…Where's my hat?"

The two halted in their conversation and stood blinking. Fizban was trying to remember where his hat was located. Tas was trying to remember where the conversation had gone.

But farther away, Dalamar was about to have bigger problems. The true Master of the Tower had just arrived on his doorstep.

End of Chapter Three


	4. Score One for Raistlin

Disclaimer: I do not own DragonLance, its characters, or its settings. I just write amusing fanfics about it.

Kender Spork of Turning

Chapter Four

Dalamar wrapped the bandage around his hand in a slow, jerky manner. He had never been a morning person (and elves usually were) and he had never been a fan of kender (and elves usually weren't). Put the two together and…

"Hell, you get hell," Dalamar snapped. "When I die, Takhisis is going to torture me with kender. There will be enough kender that I'll attempt to convert to Paladine just to get away—"

"Then Paladine will realize you're a lying, sorry excuse for an elf and he'll send you straight back."

Dalamar had never been much of a jumper. In fact, as a child, he had refused to play hopscotch and instead sulked about how they never played games he wanted to play, such as "World Conqueror". But this time, Dalamar jumped straight up at the sound of Raistlin's voice.

"Master! How…how…I thought you died!"

"Yes, but this is what we call a plot hole. After all, Fizban shouldn't be in the same time period as your reign as Master of the Tower. Which you're not anymore, by the way, since I'm back."

"…Suck."

"What did you do to your hand?"

Dalamar replied dryly, "A fork stabbing occurred."

Raistlin rolled his eyes. "Gods, I always knew you were stupid, but stupid enough to miss the plate and stab your own hand? I seriously thought my opinion of you could sink no lower."

"It wasn't my fault!" Dalamar practically screamed. He'd had it up to his pointy little ears of idiots for the day and it wasn't even 5:30 in the morning yet. Of course, he would never call Raistlin an idiot after what happened the first and last time he did. He'd spent the night in the basement with the Live Ones. And, apparently, there were female Live Ones (or homosexual ones, but Dalamar really didn't want to think about that). Dalamar couldn't blame them for finding him attractive (everybody did) but still…he shivered just to think about it. "It was that damn kender's fault!"

Raistlin froze. "Tas?"

"Uh-yeah."

"You let _Tasslehoff Burrfoot_ into my Tower?"

Dalamar knew that tone. It was Raistlin dangerous "About to VooDoo Your Face" tone. He was in trouble now. The elf shrank back. "I don't know how he got in…it's not like I opened the front door for him!"

Raistlin advanced slowly, his golden hands gripping his staff so tight that his knuckles turned a pale yellow. "What did he take? Did he take something? Of course he took something, he always takes something! What did he take!"

"Woah now, too close. Personal space is needed." Dalamar shoved Raistlin out of his bubble with a finger. "This isn't Brokeback Tower or anything."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, he took a fork."

"A fork?"

"A fork."

"You let him take a fork?"

"I didn't think it would be that big a deal. It's just a piece of silverware." _That got ripped out of my hand by that kender sob, _Dalamar added quietly to himself.

"Oh, he didn't think it would be that big a deal," Raistlin said sarcastically.

"…Who_ are_ you talking to when you do that?"

"Look," Raistlin said, his hourglass eyes narrowing. "You let him take small stuff and he'll think he can take whatever he wants without punishment. It's like that with children."

"Because you know so much about parenting."

"Look at you. With you sleeping patterns, there are probably some Dalamar and Dalamarette juniors running around somewhere and you're a sucky parent."

"…"

Raistlin turned his back on the elf and began to walk towards the door. he glanced over his shoulder and said, when it became obvious Dalamar wasn't going to follow, "C'mon, we have to go fetch my fork back and finally teach Tas a lesson about stealing from me!"

Dalamar sighed and got up. He really had no say in the matter—Raistlin was his _Shalafi _after all. However, he stopped dead as Raistlin whirled around to face him.

"Do you still have my mark on your chest?"

"Hell yes and it won't heal." Dalamar glared darkly at the other mage.

Raistlin laughed. "Score."

End of Chapter 4

Sorry this took so long! But its spring break and I'm in a real writing mood lately! I'll be working on some other stuff that hasn't gotten updated for awhile, but I'll return to this one hopefully soon! Review and let me know what you think (this chapter was rather out there, wasn't it?)


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